It’s starting to make sense…

“I’m going to go to bat for you. I’ll be right back.”

Barbra excused herself for a moment, and left to talk to Shelly.

I was behind on my rent, and came to make some payment arrangements.

I sat in there in the office chair, hands hanging over the metal arms, and fixating on clouds out the window.

I’m an idiot.  How did I get here?  Where did I go wrong?

I love it when I think like an atheist.

It’s like ignoring that person siting next to you on a plane.

“Alright.” Barbra returned.

“You’re giving me $100 today, and I’ll put it down that you are coming back Tuesday with another $100.” She typed numbers into little grey boxes.

“I have to become your best friend.  If you say you are going to be here on a certain date, then you show up.  If not, I need you to tell me.  I know things happen, and we all get behind.  But you have to communicate with me. ”

Let my “yes” be “yes” and “no” be “no”.

I nodded.  How simple.

And biblical. 

She went on to share her own anecdote about moving from Texas, getting behind on her bills, meeting her soul mate here, and how things always turn out for the best.

I was so afraid to go in to the office that day.  I was afraid I would have to tell her that the real reason I was three months behind on my rent was I quit my job on faith, and hadn’t been working.  I hadn’t even been looking for a job.

I wasn’t laid off, or fired.

But I also wasn’t crazy, was I?

I was afraid I was wrong.  I was doubting God was in control, and He was going to “drop the hammer” on  me in the real estate office.

And yet I was met with complete Grace and Peace.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I hate conflict.  I tend to avoid it at all cost.  I’m not a good problem solver.  I have a hard time sticking up for myself.  I was bullied in middle school.

So I run away from it.  Some times at a passive aggressively slow pace.  Some times I sprint on the heels of justification.  But out of the two options of “Fight or Flight”, I’m the latter.

But God is telling me it’s time to stop running.  Stop running from my fears.  Stop running from conflict.  Stop running from relationships.

It’s time to unlearn running.

And time to trust Him to learn how to respond as a beloved daughter, and a coheir with Christ.

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On Monday I back at the job I quit four months ago, picking up where I left off.  And I think of these words from Oswald Chambers:

“…Ultimately, God will allow nothing to escape; every detail of our lives is under His scrutiny.  God will bring us back in countless ways to the same point over and over agin.  And He never tires of bring us back to that on point until we learn the lesson, because His purpose is to produce the finished product.  It may be a problem arising from our impulsive nature, but again and again, with the most persistent patience, God has brought us back to that one particular point….Through this process , God is trying to impress upon us the one thing that is not entirely right in our lives…”

God is committed to finish the work He started in me.  (Phil 1:6)  So, I’m not discouraged to find myself back in the same places again.  It’s not about where He has me, but it’s that He does have me.

Orphan No Longer

“May we slough off the orphan mentality that keeps us from recognizing the never ending love of Christ that has been poured into the depths of our despair. It is because of this love, and his Spirit that we no longer have to wander in the dark shadows of obscurity, but we have been adopted; fully known and fully loved.” (Ref. Romans 8:15-16; John 14:16-18) via Ashley Sue Bell

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I’m reading a book called From Fear to Freedom by Rose Marie Miller.  She shares her story of a life transformed from moralistic living to the freedom found in understanding grace and the righteousness of Christ.  A friend of mine gave it to me a couple of years ago, but I just picked it up for the first time a few days ago.  The timing couldn’t be more perfect.

Lately, Jesus is really pressing into those areas where I still live like an orphan.  I clothe myself with a victim mentality as a means of self-sufficiency and perceived control over my heart.  This false identity reveals how much I tend to feel sorry for myself, which affects how I respond to circumstances, and my relationships.

Self-pity is rather disgusting, and reeks of death; it’s very unbecoming for followers of Christ.

And Jesus wants to fully clothe me with His righteousness.

I’m reflecting on my past to allow a new perspective to see Jesus was with me, even when I didn’t recognize Him.  It’s bringing the grace of the Gospel to those areas where bitterness and hut have taken up residence long enough.  It’s surrendering to Him all the ways I have coped, so I can receive His grace to truly respond in the newest of life.

The Truth is I was chosen to be His before time began. (Ephesians 1)  In every moment of my life Jesus was there, and there working it all out for my good.

I don’t see how I can move forward until I get this:  I am a coheir with Christ.  All that is His is now mine.  His righteousness is now my righteousness.  I’m the daughter of the King Most High.  I have a new inheritance.  I have a new past, a new present, and a new future.  I have a new Spirit in me, and  a new heart.

If I truly believed it, and lived out of that Truth, it would change everything.

It is changing everything.

Jesus, thank you for the Cross which made it possible for me to have an abundant life.  Thank you for today, for the sunshine, for sunset, for my health, and for Grace.  Thank you for this time, set aside, to let the Truth flood those areas that have been exposed.  Thank you that this season marks a newness of life, and a deeper understanding of who I am in You and your great, steadfast, never-ending, never-giving up love for me.

What a relief

“For six years you shall sow your field, and for six years you shall prune your vineyard and gather it’s fruits, but in the seventh year there shall be a Sabbath of solemn rest for the land, a Sabbath to their Lord.  You shall not sow your field or prune your vineyard.  You shall not reap what grows of itself in your harvest, or gather the grapes of your undressed vine.  It shall be a year of solemn rest for the land.” Leviticus 25:3-5

This passage came to mind the other day as God reminded me I am in a season of resting in Him.  After being in church for 27 years, holding down a job for the last 16 years, getting my degree, moving more times than I can count, indulging in all sorts of doctrinal understands and belief, volunteering in numerous ministry settings, He has me in a time of rest.  Like Mary at Jesus’ feet in the Gospels, it is a time to sit before the Lord, allow Him to make some head truths heart knowledge, and practice trusting Him with everything.

As a recovering people-pleaser, I surrendered what I wanted to people to received a false sense of acceptance in return.  I’m thinking more in terms of what I have been “doing”, and not relationships themselves.  It’s more about years of saying “Yes” when I should have said “No” more.    I didn’t make bad trades, but I just don’t think I made the best trades.  And the result is my heart became quite cluttered by all the trades I realized I made for acceptance and love.

For the past several months I’ve watched God sort through, dismantle, and remove layers acquired over the years.  Some times it looks like the dynamite of an emotional break down to blast away the rocks of self-reliance, and some times it’s the humility of allowing other people to meet my basic needs.  But the purpose is to remove everything that stands between me and a deeper abiding relationship with Christ.

Old ways of thinking.  Old ways of reacting.  Old ways of living.  Old identities.  Old expectations.  Old perceptions.  God is clearing it all away so He can replace it with His truth, and producing Christ-likness in me.  I appreciate how a friend of mine explained it when she wrote me about the season when God called her to quit a high-paying job to go to YWAM…”…but who would I be if He hadn’t taken a year to strip me butt naked only to clothe me with Christ…”

The fullness of this season will remain unknown until I am in another season.  I think of the summers I spent doing college discipleship, and encouraging my students about seeing the results of what God did during the summer through out the next year.  One season is for plowing and planting, and another for harvesting.  God reminded me of the same thing.  I won’t know what this season will truly reap until I am in another season of work.

What a relief.  What a relief that God loves me, and is committed to the work He has started for me.  What a relief to be reminded I can’t do it, and to stop trying.  What a relief that it is more important to know who I am in Christ than it is “do” anything for Him.  Because anything done through me, is going to be because of Christ Himself.  The fruit in my life is evident of Jesus’ life in me, and I can rest in Him to produce that fruit.

Jesus, thank you that apart from you I can do nothing.  Thank you for a sesason of rest.  Thank you for a season to cultivate a deeper understanding that true life is found in dependency on You. 

Desiring Life: Marriage and children

In a pensive moment about where I am at in life I was thinking it’s possible I may never get married or have children.  It’s wasn’t this grievous moment of reality, but just an observation.

I was specifically thinking about not being a mom.  The part of me “ok” with that is fearful.  Fearful of being a mom, and not being good at it.  Fearful of how hard it must be to trust God like that.  Fearful of being pregnant, and giving birth.  Fearful of what motherhood will stir up in me, and not wanting to face it; that’s probably the biggest fear of all.

I wasn’t that girl who grew up dreaming up marriage and children. I had to become an adult before I even had a chance to have a childhood.  My parents did the best they knew how.  I was 13 when they got divorced, and things became increasingly more complicated.  I continued to do the best I could, but that cost my heart a lot.

By the time I entered my 20s, marriage and children weren’t even a thought.  I started to put on a lot of weight, because I was eating my emotions instead of dealing with them.  The wounds had scabbed over with bitterness and cynicism.  On the one hand I would say “I don’t need a man”, but what my heart was saying I didn’t trust men enough to let them get close.  I was buried underneath my own attempts at living life.  I wanted friends and close relationships, but had no idea how to let my guard down long enough to let people in.

My friend’s little boy, Wylder and I

Today I can humbly attest to the ongoing process of being transformed into the image of Christ.  Where there was once death, and hopelessness, I now see the fruits of Life.  I see humor being less of a defense, and more of a genuine response to interactions.  I can hold meaningful conversations at length, and ask questions with true interest.  I see God sharing His heart with me for family, and children.  I see the softness in the soil of my heart where ground was once rocky, and too hard to be plowed.  I see Joy rushing out to a car to say “hi” to my friend’s kids, because I genuinely miss seeing them.

And I would love marriage and motherhood to be apart of that process.  But if I never get married or become a mom, it is God’s grace to me to see transformation in my heart.  It’s hard to have desires go unmet, but for me it’s a work of Love to have some desires at all.

It’s easy for me to say I’m content in being single, because it’s “safer” not to risk my heart.  It would be easy to decide what my life is going to look like.  It’s easier to give up than it is to allow Hope to keep my heart soft to what ever God may have.  It’s easier to create a perceived “known” to live out of instead of trusting God with the unknown.  But as I continue to trust Him with the known of today I continually allow Him to grow the hope of the unknown of tomorrow.  Because regardless of what tomorrow looks like, I know Christ is already there.  And where ever He leads me I know there is Life to be found. Life in abundance.

“Listen Up!”

Do you recall a teacher saying when you were a kid?  Or a leader at meeting when he wants every one’s attention?  Now you hear it every where you turn.  From blogs to the pulpits to your friend you see at Starbucks to Facebook statuses to Best Sellers to tweets, every one has some thing they want to tell you.  I boiled it down to a few statements:

“You have to do something!”

“It’s up to you to make things happen!”

“Find your passion and pursue it!”

“Find your dream, or cause and fight for it!”

Or, and this is my personal favorite, lastly:

“Maybe God is waiting on you!”

So, I stopped for a moment, and thought about what is really being said.

First, the messages are centered on me, and not Christ.  Second of all, they imply I have to earn something from God, God needs my help, or God is some how restricted by my actions.  Thirdly, I realize waiting on the Lord sounds spiritual lazy to people.  Fourthly, it echoes a fear I think we all share: we fear we don’t hear God.

Me-centered verses Christ-centered

Many questions surface in faith conversations: the authority of Scripture, how to apply Scripture to our lives, fighting for social justice, homosexuality, tattoos, divorce, marriage, same-sex marriage, finding your call, finding a church, baptism, Calvinism, abortion.  It can be A LOT to wade through, and can be overwhelming.  But Jesus unites everything.  It’s all about Jesus Christ.  I find Oswald Chambers words most articulate on the matter:

“A saint is not to take the initiative toward self-realization, but toward knowing Jesus Christ…He sees every situation in which he finds himself as th means of obtaining a greater knowledge of Jesus Christ, and he has an attitude of unrestrained abandon and total surrender about him.” (My Utmost for His Highest)

Each message is calling us to put our faith in one of two things: Jesus Christ Himself or ourselves/humanity/the church.  Our purpose is to know the Word, and be conformed to the image of Jesus Christ.  As we are bombarded with the “me-centered” messages of our culture, we can pause to see where we are being encouraged to place our faith and our trust.

The Nature of God

What I start to really hear are my own doubts echoed in these messages: “Does God really love me?” “Is God really in control?” “Is God really going to provide?” “Is God really trust worthy?” “Is God really good?”

It’s easy to make assumptions about God, and His character.  If I haven’t taken the time to know who God is, based on what He says about Himself in His word, then I can easily end up with a god in my own image.  Furthermore, I am completely dependent on God to share Himself with me, which is why we must turn to the person of Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ answers the questions about God being just, and the wrath He demonstrated in the Old Testament.  God is holy. I am not.  A Sacrifice was required in order to have a relationship with God, and Jesus Christ is it.  And it was *always* the plan.  The entire Old Testament points to Christ, and the entire New Testament (and even now) points back to Christ.

Because I am in Christ, I am declared righteous.  I am a coheir with Christ, and that means everything that is His is now mine.  I have a new inheritance.  I have a new Identity.  Once I start to live out of this Truth I can start to see God is good, He is faithful, He sovereign, and He loves me.  He desires to share Himself with me, otherwise Christ would have never came.

Waiting on the Lord

People have such a hard time with this, and their messages reveal as much.  I wrote about this in my last post, so I’ll only say a few more things.  Waiting on the Lord means I am giving God an opportunity to share Himself with me, and prove who He is in my life.  I don’t know if you knew this, but God wants to share Himself with you.  He wants you to get to know Him.  He wants to proves He is good, He is faithful, and He is in control.  He doesn’t need to prove anything, but we are dependent on Him to do so.  God wants a trusting relationship with you, and trust is built by stepping out in faith-based on who God says He is in His word.

The proof is the transformation of our lives to look more like Christ.  I see the presence of God in the peace He gives to friends in hard, and heavy seasons.  I see God’s provision as He daily provides for me, even though I am not earning an income.  I see God’s goodness when He gently guides my friend’s fear to faith through her relationship with her fiance.  I see God’s faithfulness watching my friend daily surrender to the Lord, when the world around him tells him to surrender to his desires.

Hearing our fears verses hearing the Lord

I think one of our biggest fears is we don’t hear God, and we are going to mess things up.  I think we often doubt His love for us, too.  God’s not big enough, or sovereign enough so it’s up to me to get things done.  It’s up to me to save the day, to love well, to care for people well, and to provide for myself.  Jesus Christ, living His life through me, is the only One who can save the day, love well, care well, and trust God to provide.

I’m learning about this first hand.  I haven’t paid my rent in a while, and I got a notice on my door last month.  I took one look at the notice, and started to freak out.  All of a sudden I was in my apartment, crying, and pacing around trying to figure out what I was going to do.  How was I going to bail myself out, because clearly God had left me hanging.  One piece of paper sent me sinking into a sea of doubt, forgetting I trusted God three months ago to quit my job without knowing what was next.

Then God reminded me of Peter’s story in Matthew 14, where Jesus is walking on the water during the storm.  Jesus’ first words to His disciples, as they were freaking out, were: “Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.”  Peter decides to take Jesus’ at His word, asks to come out to Jesus, gets out of the boat, starts walking on the water, takes his eyes off Christ, and starts to sink.  If God is calling me to walk on water, then I’d better keep my eyes focused on Christ. Following Jesus means trusting Him to with everything I’m leaving behind.

The messages I hear feed on my fears, and not on my faith.  They tempt me to distrust God, and trust myself.  Everything in our nature wants to be self-sufficient, and a savior.  It’s one of the reasons why the messages we hear can be deceptive.  They are just one degree away from putting our faith in Christ, and putting faith in ourselves.  People are tempted to put faith in humanity, but confuse the beacons for the Light.

I’ll end with this quote from a book I recently finished:  “Be doctrinally diligent.  Stick to one question-is this person [this message] directing listeners to Jesus?…” ~Max Lucado (Fearless p. 155)

Home Again: Part 6

“What a great day for the gospel to sabotage and annihilate my complaining, carpings, & critical spirit.” Scotty Ward Smith

 

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Jessica Bufkin, over at SingleRoots, shared a piece today about “Evidence of Grace“.  She linked to the Acts 29, blog to define the phrase.  After reading both posts I was inspired to pause, and look for some of the evidences of grace in my own life.  What a fresh opportunity to refocus my attention to Christ, and look to see how He has produced His likeness in me.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.” Galatians 5:22-23

July 25th will mark four months of being unemployed.  Three and half months ago I obeyed the Lord, stepped out in faith, and entered a season I never expected or anticipated.  Surrendering everything to Lord, and watching Him take things away has made me feel incredibly out of control.

The reality is some times it is easier, and way more appealing to my selfish nature, to do something than it is to wait.

For those of you who know me, you know my old nature is to ”strike while the iron is hot”.  My tendency is to make impulsive decisions based on how I feel, only to feel the regret that sets in later.  The last thing I should do with my emotions some times, is respond out of them.  For me, reacting out of my emotions is an attempt to feel in control when my emotions, a situation or a relationship make me feel out of control.

“Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” Psalm 27:14

During this season God is purging my old ways of repsonding, sharing more of Himself with me and cultivating the fruits of patience, self-control, and faithfulness.  He is producing His Son’s likeness in me to WAIT; wait on Him; wait to respond; wait on Him; wait to see how the matter turns out; wait on Him; wait to see what the truth is; and when every thing seems illogical and foggy…wait some more.

Waiting on the Lord purges my immature desires to demand what I want, and focus on what He wants.  Waiting on the Lord strips away the world’s way of living life, to see I belong to a kingdom of opposites.  Waiting on the Lord refines the faith He has given me, and continues to grow in me, instead of abandoning it for comfort and relief.  Waiting on the Lord produces patience, and faithfulness in me.  Waiting on the Lord solidifies that it is His will, and Him moving me, and not me taking things in to my own hands.  Waiting on the Lord means I lay down my rights, and I stop demanding anything from any one at all.  Waiting on the Lord means encouraging other people to do the same, as He produce those evidences of grace in their life.

Waiting on the Lord is humbling, and softens my heart.  Waiting on the Lord teaches me contentment in all circumstances, and looking for today’s manna.  Waiting on the Lord grows my faith in Him, and trust in Him.  Waiting on the Lord, means I’m trusting Him.  Waiting on the Lord means, no regrets for the consequences of acting out of my selfish nature.  And when I get tired, frustrated, discouraged, and want to give up, to wait some more.  Because He will do it.  He will make the next thing clear.

And in the mean time He is calling me to rest in Him.   To pause after decades of being in church, working 40 hours a week, and just going, going, going.  To pause and focus on Him as He purges the untruths about Him from my heart, and life.  He’s producing a solid foundation in Christ, and planting my feet on firm ground.

My encouragement to you dear readers, trust God enough to wait for Him.  Trust God enough with other people as they are in seasons of waiting.  And know that I am waiting and trusting with You.

Mrs. Sociology

(Author’s note:  I’m taking notes, and cues from other bloggers by implementing a blog schedule.  Tuesdays and Thursdays will be life stories; we’ll see how it goes.)

It was the spring semester of my senior year, and I needed an elective.  I didn’t know how to cook, or sew, so I signed up for Home Ec.  Burried somewhere in my 18-year-old subconscious was the idea that if every going to get married one day I would need the “Mrs.” training.

Some how I ended up in Sociology.

An assignment one day warranted little excitement from me.  Our teacher placed a stack of card stock photos on her podium, and instructed each of us to select one.  The assignment was to spend the next 15-20 minutes reflecting on the photo, answering the questions, and then presenting our conclusions in front of the class.

I stayed seated to wait for the students who had congregated at the front of the room to clear out.  After about five minutes, I shoved myself out of the wooden desk, meandered over to the stack, half heartedly selected a picture, and returned to my desk.

On one side of the card stock were photos of different areas of a prison.  On the other side, a hand full of questions.

I was completely taken back by the card stock in my hands.

The picture was taken from inside a prison cell at sunset.  Bars ran vertically across the image of a distant hill that had three crosses.  The questions on the back all dealt with eternity, salvation, and redemption for felonies.

I was the “church girl“.  So it was no surprise I showed up to said class that morning wearing a pair of jeans, and my younger brother’s borrowed sweatshirt with the words  “Lord’s Gym” written across the front in red letters, complete with a graphic print of a ripped Jesus doing a push-up with a cross on His muscular back.  But I was not planning on standing in front of my entire Sociology class and, essentially, share my faith.

I can’t recall everything I said, and I don’t know how it affected the listeners.  But for me it was a snapshot of Grace.

When God is drawing me closer to Himself, some times I feel like I’m climbing up on His lap to look at old photos.  He pulls out the album, we ask we each other questions, and look over all the moments captured by Grace.  By Grace I responded to Him when I was six.  By Grace I could see Him in the crowd in my Sociology class.  By Grace I live out my walk with Christ and not wear it.  By Grace I could heard Him when He called me to move to Missouri.

By Grace there’s an album.  By Grace it’s full of pictures.  By Grace more moments are captured every day.

Jesus, thank you for grace, and reminding me the first thing I begin to doubt is Your love for me.  Because of you I am loved, I am cared for, and I am known.