“I’m going to go to bat for you. I’ll be right back.”
Barbra excused herself for a moment, and left to talk to Shelly.
I was behind on my rent, and came to make some payment arrangements.
I sat in there in the office chair, hands hanging over the metal arms, and fixating on clouds out the window.
I’m an idiot. How did I get here? Where did I go wrong?
I love it when I think like an atheist.
It’s like ignoring that person siting next to you on a plane.
“Alright.” Barbra returned.
“You’re giving me $100 today, and I’ll put it down that you are coming back Tuesday with another $100.” She typed numbers into little grey boxes.
“I have to become your best friend. If you say you are going to be here on a certain date, then you show up. If not, I need you to tell me. I know things happen, and we all get behind. But you have to communicate with me. ”
Let my “yes” be “yes” and “no” be “no”.
I nodded. How simple.
She went on to share her own anecdote about moving from Texas, getting behind on her bills, meeting her soul mate here, and how things always turn out for the best.
I was so afraid to go in to the office that day. I was afraid I would have to tell her that the real reason I was three months behind on my rent was I quit my job on faith, and hadn’t been working. I hadn’t even been looking for a job.
I wasn’t laid off, or fired.
But I also wasn’t crazy, was I?
I was afraid I was wrong. I was doubting God was in control, and He was going to “drop the hammer” on me in the real estate office.
And yet I was met with complete Grace and Peace.
I hate conflict. I tend to avoid it at all cost. I’m not a good problem solver. I have a hard time sticking up for myself. I was bullied in middle school.
So I run away from it. Some times at a passive aggressively slow pace. Some times I sprint on the heels of justification. But out of the two options of “Fight or Flight”, I’m the latter.
But God is telling me it’s time to stop running. Stop running from my fears. Stop running from conflict. Stop running from relationships.
It’s time to unlearn running.
And time to trust Him to learn how to respond as a beloved daughter, and a coheir with Christ.
On Monday I back at the job I quit four months ago, picking up where I left off. And I think of these words from Oswald Chambers:
“…Ultimately, God will allow nothing to escape; every detail of our lives is under His scrutiny. God will bring us back in countless ways to the same point over and over agin. And He never tires of bring us back to that on point until we learn the lesson, because His purpose is to produce the finished product. It may be a problem arising from our impulsive nature, but again and again, with the most persistent patience, God has brought us back to that one particular point….Through this process , God is trying to impress upon us the one thing that is not entirely right in our lives…”
God is committed to finish the work He started in me. (Phil 1:6) So, I’m not discouraged to find myself back in the same places again. It’s not about where He has me, but it’s that He does have me.